1. Canadians are very nice. I have never met a rude or unkind Canadian. What the fuck is up with that?

2. Canada is up there hooked onto the United States and we never hear a word from them.

3. It's colder than hell in a great deal of Canada and they never ever complain. That isn't right. They should be calling us to say, "It's colder than hell up here. Screw you, Texas!" and so forth.

4. Canadians let draft dodgers come to their country during various wars and never even bitched about it.

5. Canadians are so freaking polite. If you get mad at a Canadian, that person says, "But...I must not have made myself clear, because you are offended! Let's restart this conversation and see where it went wrong."

God, that is so un-American.

6. Canada has a leaf on their flag. A leaf. And it's pretty!

Heads up, Canada! You need stars, stripes, maybe a sword or gun...stuff on your flag should show you are a lean mean fighting machine...not that you are proud of your maple trees!

7. The United States flight teams are the Blue Angels and The Thunderbirds, the UK has the Red Eagles, Russia has the Russian Knights, you get the idea.

Canada has The Snowbirds.

They are superb. And very polite. At the one air show I went to? The Thunderbirds were pretend dog-fighting! The Blue Angels were spinning in what looked like a near out-of-control sequence! The Russians were spraying smoke!

Do you know what The Snowbirds did?

They flew up beautifully, down beautifully, in perfect synchronicity...and they made a heart. A heart in the sky.

Hey! Canada! That ain't fightin' stuff. You could stop a war doing shit like that. You could turn a really good war situation into a hug-fest. And I think you people know that!

8. Canada has a whole province where the folks speak a different language and you don't hear Canadians bitching about "those dirty Frenchies", they just leave them alone to speak their own language.

9. Canada's Prime Minister? He's cute. I've heard nothing about him but I do know this: he comes to United States functions and acts appropriately. He does not vomit on our President or call people "happy sardines" for not knowing our language. He knows our language. He arrives quietly for the state funeral or whatever, he brings a small but appropriate gift, he looks appropriately grieved (and I actually think he is appropriately grieved!) and has a nice smile for those "yes it's a state funeral but we can still smile and move along respectfully here" moments. He shows up on time, stays just long enough, and then he leaves. He doesn't fuck any White House interns or hit on the President's wife.

I just don't get it.

10. Canada loaned us a koala bear, did you know this?

We should've asked the Aussies but Canada is closer and koala bears are picky little bastards, they die in planes, they die all the time. I'm surprised they've not been phased out by evolution.

We killed Canada's bear. Not on purpose, even the United States would not do that, but apparently koalas, the picky little bastards, will only eat very certain eucalyptus leaves or something and I don't know, we fed the picky little bastard dog kibbles or something and he died.

And Canada apologized. They said they were sorry for our grief! They said perhaps the bear was defective before he even got on the plane!

Look: if we sent a zebra to Belgium and they killed our zebra? We'd launch the missiles. We don't take that shit.

(We could learn a lot from Canada.)